Unwanted Hyper Speed

I am staring in the face of surgery in 16 days, to be specific, Cervical Discectomy and Fusion of C4-5.

I have gone thru five surgeries to date, a couple of them were routine, and three were major ones. The thing that sucks about surgery for the patient (aside from the surgery itself), is you experience hyper speed without the memory of doing so. I mean, everybody else like medical personnel, family and those waiting for the patient experience everything in real time, for 2 hours or whatever time it takes.

For the patient, not so... you remember starting to go under one second and the next second they are calling your name and trying to wake you up. I've often thought...not fair! I need to build up my courage to face the pain, nausea and grogginess that comes with the package deal.

I guess the only answer is to build the courage for everything before being rolled into that big, white, and cold room. Before all the bustling group of smock and face covered medical personnel ascend on you with all their instructions for where to lay, how to lay, so and so forth. Before a nurse calls out your name and asks you questions so she can evaluate where you are in the process of coming out of anesthesia.

Last time after surgery I had trouble getting my words to come out of my mouth, it was a long painstaking process. Plus, my limbs were jerking uncontrollably. Nausea always seems to come with a vengeance, immediately setting off the beepers on the monitor.

Surgery is no picnic, but for me, it is a necessary evil to cure what ails me. So like my double layer rotator cuff repair, I will trudge forward with my head held high (albeit fused in place, lol) and pull up my big girl panties.

I Dance U Smile

This is my son Weston and how he overcomes shyness.

Wake up AMERICA!

This is how some of the rest of the world views us...

This quote was translated into English from an article appearing in the Czech Republic as published in the Prager Zeitung of 28 April 2011. This is definitely the quote of the decade. We'll see on Nov. 6th if the voters of this country regain their senses or if our representative republic (and the hope of the free world) is doomed. RBL

"The danger to America is not Barack Obama but a citizenry capable of entrusting an inexperienced man like him with the Presidency. It will be far easier to limit and undo the follies of an Obama presidency than to restore the necessary common sense and good judgment to a depraved electorate willing to have such a man for their president. The problem is much deeper and far more serious than Mr. Obama, who is a mere symptom of what ails America. Blaming the prince of the fools should not blind anyone to the vast confederacy of fools that made him their prince. The Republic can survive a Barack Obama. It is less likely to survive a multitude of Idiots such as those who made him their president."

"Obamacare", it's a DANGEROUS bill

I am not even a fan of Glenn Beck, but in this video he is just asking doctors questions that have read the bill (both parts of it) and what they think about it and how it will impact EVERY persons healthcare, both the currently insured and uninsured alike. Please take some time to watch this and inform yourself about BOTH parts of this bill.

Doctors discuss impact of Obamacare

Looking for a temporary hole

I don't know what is wrong with me, I have not been feeling like myself for several months. More on the ornery side, quick to speak harsh words, quick to see the negative in everything, and quick to wish I hadn't said anything...but at the same time...it is like I don't have the ability to filter it either.

Perhaps it is the medication I am trying to get off of, aggressiveness is a side effect among some other things I have a problem with. I have been having this problem about as long as I have been on the medication. I am not saying it is the problem, but the time frame is too coincidental for me. I would rather deal with the tremors and tremendous fatigue than the behavior changes that seem to be going on.

Besides, I have already lost my best friend because of my behavior. That alone is reason enough to get off the medication, I just can't risk it not being the problem. I don't want to hurt anybody else. Granted, if she was a true friend, she would have talked to me before things got to be a huge problem. But she is dealing with not being able to communicate about difficult things, and since I have already learned that lesson, I can't blame her for keeping quite and not talking things out with me. After all, I know what it feels like to not be able to talk about the difficult things.

I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into for the next six months while I hopefully get back to my old self. I hate everybody watching this terrible transformation I am going through.

Anybody know of a good hole?

Control

I believe that if we are doing things because someone makes us feel bad for not doing it, even if they just pout to get their way... it is still passive-aggressive behavior on their part, it is manipulative and is a form of control.


The end.

Moving On

Moving on after a BIG fallout with your bestie (or anybody for that matter) is not easy. You can only apologize so many times, you can only beg so many times... and with each time it seems to bring you lower and lower, at least it seems to do that when it falls on deaf ears.

Apologizing for having hurt another is the right thing to do, but asking for forgiveness is like begging, if there is no forgiveness offered you have to find a way to move on. You have to reach a point that you know you have done all you can do, you are not going to allow their lack of forgiveness to define you, bring you down anymore. What is happening at this point is a form of control, they feel they have you in the palm on their hand... squeezing it tighter and tighter, they know their silence is killing you, they are punishing you now.

For me, it is when I decided enough is enough, I have apologized over and over again. It is time to tell them what I really think, no more apologies. Reminding them of how they told me I was a loyal and non-judgmental  friend all those years we were besties, dose that mean nothing? Reminding them of all we helped each other thru, all the tears, all the joys. Telling them that everything does not always happens for a reason. Some things just happen because we are human, some things just happen because of Murphy's Law, some things just happen because of a bad day, out of hurt, out of pain, out of illness, ignorance, being too sensitive, or out of being ignored.

But also a reminder that to me, we will always be besties and I will always love her. No more apologies, just the hope that she will someday realize the value of our friendship and that it wasn't all for nothing. I do realize there could be more at play here than what I see, but I may never know.

I just pray for her and her forgiveness, but I do not need it to be happy. I am tremendously happy with my wonderful husband, children, grand-children, parents, extended family and many friends. They love me as I am, I just hope that someday she will to.

Words

Words, especially the written kind, can be twisted and turned into something that stings and cuts to the core.

It all depends on the viewers own life experiences and sensitivity levels as to how their power has over others. While the words we put down may have the very best of intentions, given with love or humor, it matters not when the receiver is in a frame of mind where they are already biased against the giver. Plus, if the receiver was raised without siblings or perhaps has worked in environments where teasing one another wasn't the norm, there has been no opportunity for developing a "thick skin".

So do we take responsibility for words that unintentionally hurt or offends a loved one or a loved one of a friend? All actions good or bad (yes, even unintentional) have a domino effect in our lives or the lives of others. So we do need to take responsibility for them. It's a live and learn kind of thing, and all we can do is hope and pray we are given the opportunity to make things right for the hurt we may have caused and the blessed opportunity to still have them in our lives.

Be weary of the innocent tease, even if it is in reply to another one. Many people can dish it, but there are those few that can't take it. If there is anything but good feelings towards the individual you are directing your comments or tease to, tread lightly. Sometimes a tease can be the supposed "non-stinging" way of delivering how we feel about someone, and sadly, without even knowing it ourselves.

Deliver only positive, uplifting comments towards others, especially to those that don't know you well. A sarcastic sense of humor used on someone that doesn't know you will almost always be taken wrong and put you in a bad light in the future. Reserve your humor for those that really do know you well, and I am talking about in person. Online teasing will almost always be taken the wrong way.

If you have offended another, even unintentionally, it may forever destroy any relationship you ever had with that person. Especially if they easily hold grudges, or have a history of not dealing with things because it is easier just to not face it and work to make it right, and if the relationship is mostly an online one, they can easily avoid the contact....making things worse as each day that passes.

Save your words, stop for a moment and think before typing or for that matter talking. Keep the friends you have and make new ones along the way. Keep your heart open to the love of others and your life will be filled with much joy. If you have offended another, take heart, if you have sincerely apologized and have not received forgiveness... then the weight of the matter lies with them and it is their loss for not having given you, their loved one, a second chance.

I Dance U Smile

I Dance U Smile!

This is my son Weston, he has overcome more than shyness over the past few years and I am dang proud of him. He still has a long ways to go, but he is definitely on the way there!

Reflection

Why does it always have to take a accident/tragedy to force the analyzation of a bad situation and to instill a positive change?

Such as a much needed traffic light on a dangerous intersection, it doesn't happen until there is an accident where somebody dies.

Or... a tragedy of another sort... a relationship, unintentionally hurting someone, such as saying something based only from our own viewpoint, but in reality it was received with a much harsher meaning that caused pain.

This causes reflection of oneself... why did it happen, especially when we never even recognized it in the first place, not until it had given its wicked sting to people that we would never intentionally hurt. Is this behavior something that happens with everyone we come in contact with, or just certain individuals. Once we figure that out, what do they have in common, what role do they play in our lives. Perhaps it is something as simple as never having accepted them or what we interpreted as their hold over us or a loved one. Whatever it is, we need to figure it out right down to the very last detail. Clarification brings understanding of oneself and our behavior, a flaw in our character, then comes change. It is easy to change once the problem is figured out and applying a solution to avoid it happening again in the future. But until we realize there is a problem, no change can be made.

Then comes perhaps the most difficult of all, the apologies for ones behavior. The forgiveness cannot come without being given freely from those that were hurt, but you can forgive yourself... which does not come easy, then asking for your Heavenly Fathers forgiveness. Then comes the waiting, will the relationships ever mend? I think perhaps this requires a lot of patience, love and never giving up, but showing much respect for their needed space and healing. Then also realizing that it may never come around, because we do not have any control over how others handle their pain and healing.

Nonetheless... are we going to wait for a tragedy to make positive changes in our lives, whether it be an unsafe structure on our property or an attitude that severely needs adjustment. Take heed to those reactions around you, if you seem to be causing unwanted reactions by harsh words, work on how you associate yourself with others. Don't be blind to your own behavior, make a good thing happen today. Say kind words, never harsh. Tell someone you love them.

It never hurts to do some reflecting of oneself now and then, perhaps we will avoid a tragedy in the future.