Reminding myself of the bond that was there...and I believe still is.

As I was scrolling a besties blog (some would say former bestie), I ran across this one post. It took me way back, and reminded me why I cannot and will not give up on this bestie of mine. We had a falling out a couple of years ago, we have had to learn to forgive one another...but most importantly forgive ourselves for the way in which each of us handled it. We have ever so slowly been communicating since I lost my son back in March. I don't know why it takes a tragedy and sometimes it takes reflecting back, way...way back to remember why you had that bond in the first place. I will never forget, and thanks my friend for reminding me via your blog. I will have the patience of Job if needed. Besties Before And Forever is what I still think, love you Meg.
http://momentsbymeg.blogspot.com/2010/04/happy-easter-better-late-than-never.html

Seeking My Spark Again

My husband has been having some serious health challenges with acute pancreatitis and numerous complications, mostly with bowel perforations since November 8th, 2012. Out of the past 19 months he has been hospitalized for 9 months. He has been in and out of the ICU, has had 30+ abdominal surgeries and has used up at least 7 of his 9 lives. He is my hero and a great example of perseverance, patience and tolerance. I was with him in the ICU when I got a call from the Highway Patrol wanting to visit with me. I made them come talk to me at the hospital so my husband could be with me. My son Weston had been killed in a tragic single car rollover accident in Sardine Canyon on March 15, 2014.

After this I thought "How can I possibly get through this?" But with the love and support of family and friends, I did. We arranged a beautiful service and tribute to my son, he was so well loved. His body was not so damaged that we couldn't have a viewing and have some closure that we so desperately needed. 

The difficulty has come as the months have continued on... I am finding it most difficult to move forward. It hasn't helped that the home we are renting and so love is now up for sale, we are not in a good position to purchase it right now. So we may be facing yet another move, this will make 4 moves in 4 years for us.

I never would have understood what the "Tragedy of Life..." picture meant before. I am so not myself it is not even funny. I feel it as anger, sadness, loss, no desire to do anything. My spark is gone and don't know when it will return and don't even care to do anything about it right now unfortunately. So I grasp onto the little joys that come by in the forms of my grandson, in an invite to go out with a friend, in a dinner and drive with my husband, and I ride their coat tails for awhile, it makes things almost feel normal again...if only for a few moments. Just until I can find Lynda's spark again.