Seeking My Spark Again

My husband has been having some serious health challenges with acute pancreatitis and numerous complications, mostly with bowel perforations since November 8th, 2012. Out of the past 19 months he has been hospitalized for 9 months. He has been in and out of the ICU, has had 30+ abdominal surgeries and has used up at least 7 of his 9 lives. He is my hero and a great example of perseverance, patience and tolerance. I was with him in the ICU when I got a call from the Highway Patrol wanting to visit with me. I made them come talk to me at the hospital so my husband could be with me. My son Weston had been killed in a tragic single car rollover accident in Sardine Canyon on March 15, 2014.

After this I thought "How can I possibly get through this?" But with the love and support of family and friends, I did. We arranged a beautiful service and tribute to my son, he was so well loved. His body was not so damaged that we couldn't have a viewing and have some closure that we so desperately needed. 

The difficulty has come as the months have continued on... I am finding it most difficult to move forward. It hasn't helped that the home we are renting and so love is now up for sale, we are not in a good position to purchase it right now. So we may be facing yet another move, this will make 4 moves in 4 years for us.

I never would have understood what the "Tragedy of Life..." picture meant before. I am so not myself it is not even funny. I feel it as anger, sadness, loss, no desire to do anything. My spark is gone and don't know when it will return and don't even care to do anything about it right now unfortunately. So I grasp onto the little joys that come by in the forms of my grandson, in an invite to go out with a friend, in a dinner and drive with my husband, and I ride their coat tails for awhile, it makes things almost feel normal again...if only for a few moments. Just until I can find Lynda's spark again.

Reflection

Why does it always have to take a accident/tragedy to force the analyzation of a bad situation and to instill a positive change?

Such as a much needed traffic light on a dangerous intersection, it doesn't happen until there is an accident where somebody dies.

Or... a tragedy of another sort... a relationship, unintentionally hurting someone, such as saying something based only from our own viewpoint, but in reality it was received with a much harsher meaning that caused pain.

This causes reflection of oneself... why did it happen, especially when we never even recognized it in the first place, not until it had given its wicked sting to people that we would never intentionally hurt. Is this behavior something that happens with everyone we come in contact with, or just certain individuals. Once we figure that out, what do they have in common, what role do they play in our lives. Perhaps it is something as simple as never having accepted them or what we interpreted as their hold over us or a loved one. Whatever it is, we need to figure it out right down to the very last detail. Clarification brings understanding of oneself and our behavior, a flaw in our character, then comes change. It is easy to change once the problem is figured out and applying a solution to avoid it happening again in the future. But until we realize there is a problem, no change can be made.

Then comes perhaps the most difficult of all, the apologies for ones behavior. The forgiveness cannot come without being given freely from those that were hurt, but you can forgive yourself... which does not come easy, then asking for your Heavenly Fathers forgiveness. Then comes the waiting, will the relationships ever mend? I think perhaps this requires a lot of patience, love and never giving up, but showing much respect for their needed space and healing. Then also realizing that it may never come around, because we do not have any control over how others handle their pain and healing.

Nonetheless... are we going to wait for a tragedy to make positive changes in our lives, whether it be an unsafe structure on our property or an attitude that severely needs adjustment. Take heed to those reactions around you, if you seem to be causing unwanted reactions by harsh words, work on how you associate yourself with others. Don't be blind to your own behavior, make a good thing happen today. Say kind words, never harsh. Tell someone you love them.

It never hurts to do some reflecting of oneself now and then, perhaps we will avoid a tragedy in the future.