Seeking My Spark Again

My husband has been having some serious health challenges with acute pancreatitis and numerous complications, mostly with bowel perforations since November 8th, 2012. Out of the past 19 months he has been hospitalized for 9 months. He has been in and out of the ICU, has had 30+ abdominal surgeries and has used up at least 7 of his 9 lives. He is my hero and a great example of perseverance, patience and tolerance. I was with him in the ICU when I got a call from the Highway Patrol wanting to visit with me. I made them come talk to me at the hospital so my husband could be with me. My son Weston had been killed in a tragic single car rollover accident in Sardine Canyon on March 15, 2014.

After this I thought "How can I possibly get through this?" But with the love and support of family and friends, I did. We arranged a beautiful service and tribute to my son, he was so well loved. His body was not so damaged that we couldn't have a viewing and have some closure that we so desperately needed. 

The difficulty has come as the months have continued on... I am finding it most difficult to move forward. It hasn't helped that the home we are renting and so love is now up for sale, we are not in a good position to purchase it right now. So we may be facing yet another move, this will make 4 moves in 4 years for us.

I never would have understood what the "Tragedy of Life..." picture meant before. I am so not myself it is not even funny. I feel it as anger, sadness, loss, no desire to do anything. My spark is gone and don't know when it will return and don't even care to do anything about it right now unfortunately. So I grasp onto the little joys that come by in the forms of my grandson, in an invite to go out with a friend, in a dinner and drive with my husband, and I ride their coat tails for awhile, it makes things almost feel normal again...if only for a few moments. Just until I can find Lynda's spark again.

Unwanted Hyper Speed

I am staring in the face of surgery in 16 days, to be specific, Cervical Discectomy and Fusion of C4-5.

I have gone thru five surgeries to date, a couple of them were routine, and three were major ones. The thing that sucks about surgery for the patient (aside from the surgery itself), is you experience hyper speed without the memory of doing so. I mean, everybody else like medical personnel, family and those waiting for the patient experience everything in real time, for 2 hours or whatever time it takes.

For the patient, not so... you remember starting to go under one second and the next second they are calling your name and trying to wake you up. I've often thought...not fair! I need to build up my courage to face the pain, nausea and grogginess that comes with the package deal.

I guess the only answer is to build the courage for everything before being rolled into that big, white, and cold room. Before all the bustling group of smock and face covered medical personnel ascend on you with all their instructions for where to lay, how to lay, so and so forth. Before a nurse calls out your name and asks you questions so she can evaluate where you are in the process of coming out of anesthesia.

Last time after surgery I had trouble getting my words to come out of my mouth, it was a long painstaking process. Plus, my limbs were jerking uncontrollably. Nausea always seems to come with a vengeance, immediately setting off the beepers on the monitor.

Surgery is no picnic, but for me, it is a necessary evil to cure what ails me. So like my double layer rotator cuff repair, I will trudge forward with my head held high (albeit fused in place, lol) and pull up my big girl panties.

Blessed

Ever since I have become active in the church, so maybe 3 months now, things keep getting better and better.

I feel so blessed in many aspects of my life, I have great kids who are responsible adults. I love my kids so much, I couldn't ask for better parents, and I have a great extended family. My health is not so great, but as always, I roll with the punches. Because of my job change in April of 2008, the insurance is much better now, so I can afford to take care of my health.

I am understanding many things of the gospel that I didn't before. Things make sense to me now, on a very deep level, which translates into a stronger testimony. I can't wait to be able to attend the temple again, whenever that is. To be able to do His work, and actually have a strong desire to do so. I want to do the things that I should be doing. I don't want to associate with people and places that may compromise my values. I don't take it for granted anymore.

I feel the most profoundly blessed by the friends that have found me, no doubt with my Heavenly Fathers help. I met Ann at my current job, we got along right away because we are so much alike, but with nice complimentary differences. We work in the same room, and have had many talks. We grew closer over the months and started to confide in each other. We both had experience and wisdom in areas that the other needed. How blessed I feel to have such a friend.

There was a day this last May, where I had no one to go with me to see a play I had free tickets for. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I was inactive and I had no close friends. Sure, I had my family... but that is not what I needed at this moment in time. I felt completely and utterly alone, I felt I had no one to turn to, no one to lift me up. I did not have the spirit with me, it was void in my life because of the choices I had been making. I did things based on gut instinct and experience. It was the very next day, Easter Day, that my dear friend Ann from work, invited me to dinner at her home with her and her roommates. What a turning point that invitation was, I just sobbed to know that I was accepted and loved. The one thing I had wanted for soooo long. I later found out that she was inspired to invite me and argued the point with the spirit by saying "maybe another time." All she got was a persistent "no, invite her to dinner today." She thankfully, complied. Then to later understand that my Saviour had the spirit removed from Him during the Atonement, so He would know how we felt at our very lowest, brought such comfort to me as I looked back at how dark and lonely it was during that day.

My friend, Meg, found me when I was on LDS Mingle, a LDS singles website. She talked to me when I ventured into a chat room, to show me the ropes, so to speak. The rest is history, we have so much in common. She lives in Missouri, but that doesn't seem to matter. We just clicked, and buoy each other up alot. Communicating via IM, text, phone calls, whatever works. We have experienced much of the same pain, struggle with the same feelings and share the same joys. She is such a nut, but so can I be. She just happens to bring out the nuttier side of me. She is exactly what I need, at this very moment in my life. Talking to her, she says the same thing about me. I pray that we always need each other and never lose touch. She is indeed a very dear friend to me, we feel we have known each other before. She calls it BFBF, best friends before and forever. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is right. Hear that Meg, you are right, again!

I absolutely LOVE MY FRIENDS! I am not just talking about Ann and Meg either, while they are my best friends, I love all of my friends. If I have ever hung out with you, shared stories with you, laughed with you. You are my friend. You all keep me grounded, connected and make me feel accepted.

Now if I could just find my other half... but in the meantime, working on being the right person, so I can find the right person.