Reminding myself of the bond that was there...and I believe still is.

As I was scrolling a besties blog (some would say former bestie), I ran across this one post. It took me way back, and reminded me why I cannot and will not give up on this bestie of mine. We had a falling out a couple of years ago, we have had to learn to forgive one another...but most importantly forgive ourselves for the way in which each of us handled it. We have ever so slowly been communicating since I lost my son back in March. I don't know why it takes a tragedy and sometimes it takes reflecting back, way...way back to remember why you had that bond in the first place. I will never forget, and thanks my friend for reminding me via your blog. I will have the patience of Job if needed. Besties Before And Forever is what I still think, love you Meg.
http://momentsbymeg.blogspot.com/2010/04/happy-easter-better-late-than-never.html

Seeking My Spark Again

My husband has been having some serious health challenges with acute pancreatitis and numerous complications, mostly with bowel perforations since November 8th, 2012. Out of the past 19 months he has been hospitalized for 9 months. He has been in and out of the ICU, has had 30+ abdominal surgeries and has used up at least 7 of his 9 lives. He is my hero and a great example of perseverance, patience and tolerance. I was with him in the ICU when I got a call from the Highway Patrol wanting to visit with me. I made them come talk to me at the hospital so my husband could be with me. My son Weston had been killed in a tragic single car rollover accident in Sardine Canyon on March 15, 2014.

After this I thought "How can I possibly get through this?" But with the love and support of family and friends, I did. We arranged a beautiful service and tribute to my son, he was so well loved. His body was not so damaged that we couldn't have a viewing and have some closure that we so desperately needed. 

The difficulty has come as the months have continued on... I am finding it most difficult to move forward. It hasn't helped that the home we are renting and so love is now up for sale, we are not in a good position to purchase it right now. So we may be facing yet another move, this will make 4 moves in 4 years for us.

I never would have understood what the "Tragedy of Life..." picture meant before. I am so not myself it is not even funny. I feel it as anger, sadness, loss, no desire to do anything. My spark is gone and don't know when it will return and don't even care to do anything about it right now unfortunately. So I grasp onto the little joys that come by in the forms of my grandson, in an invite to go out with a friend, in a dinner and drive with my husband, and I ride their coat tails for awhile, it makes things almost feel normal again...if only for a few moments. Just until I can find Lynda's spark again.

Unwanted Hyper Speed

I am staring in the face of surgery in 16 days, to be specific, Cervical Discectomy and Fusion of C4-5.

I have gone thru five surgeries to date, a couple of them were routine, and three were major ones. The thing that sucks about surgery for the patient (aside from the surgery itself), is you experience hyper speed without the memory of doing so. I mean, everybody else like medical personnel, family and those waiting for the patient experience everything in real time, for 2 hours or whatever time it takes.

For the patient, not so... you remember starting to go under one second and the next second they are calling your name and trying to wake you up. I've often thought...not fair! I need to build up my courage to face the pain, nausea and grogginess that comes with the package deal.

I guess the only answer is to build the courage for everything before being rolled into that big, white, and cold room. Before all the bustling group of smock and face covered medical personnel ascend on you with all their instructions for where to lay, how to lay, so and so forth. Before a nurse calls out your name and asks you questions so she can evaluate where you are in the process of coming out of anesthesia.

Last time after surgery I had trouble getting my words to come out of my mouth, it was a long painstaking process. Plus, my limbs were jerking uncontrollably. Nausea always seems to come with a vengeance, immediately setting off the beepers on the monitor.

Surgery is no picnic, but for me, it is a necessary evil to cure what ails me. So like my double layer rotator cuff repair, I will trudge forward with my head held high (albeit fused in place, lol) and pull up my big girl panties.

I Dance U Smile

This is my son Weston and how he overcomes shyness.

Wake up AMERICA!

This is how some of the rest of the world views us...

This quote was translated into English from an article appearing in the Czech Republic as published in the Prager Zeitung of 28 April 2011. This is definitely the quote of the decade. We'll see on Nov. 6th if the voters of this country regain their senses or if our representative republic (and the hope of the free world) is doomed. RBL

"The danger to America is not Barack Obama but a citizenry capable of entrusting an inexperienced man like him with the Presidency. It will be far easier to limit and undo the follies of an Obama presidency than to restore the necessary common sense and good judgment to a depraved electorate willing to have such a man for their president. The problem is much deeper and far more serious than Mr. Obama, who is a mere symptom of what ails America. Blaming the prince of the fools should not blind anyone to the vast confederacy of fools that made him their prince. The Republic can survive a Barack Obama. It is less likely to survive a multitude of Idiots such as those who made him their president."

"Obamacare", it's a DANGEROUS bill

I am not even a fan of Glenn Beck, but in this video he is just asking doctors questions that have read the bill (both parts of it) and what they think about it and how it will impact EVERY persons healthcare, both the currently insured and uninsured alike. Please take some time to watch this and inform yourself about BOTH parts of this bill.

Doctors discuss impact of Obamacare

Looking for a temporary hole

I don't know what is wrong with me, I have not been feeling like myself for several months. More on the ornery side, quick to speak harsh words, quick to see the negative in everything, and quick to wish I hadn't said anything...but at the same time...it is like I don't have the ability to filter it either.

Perhaps it is the medication I am trying to get off of, aggressiveness is a side effect among some other things I have a problem with. I have been having this problem about as long as I have been on the medication. I am not saying it is the problem, but the time frame is too coincidental for me. I would rather deal with the tremors and tremendous fatigue than the behavior changes that seem to be going on.

Besides, I have already lost my best friend because of my behavior. That alone is reason enough to get off the medication, I just can't risk it not being the problem. I don't want to hurt anybody else. Granted, if she was a true friend, she would have talked to me before things got to be a huge problem. But she is dealing with not being able to communicate about difficult things, and since I have already learned that lesson, I can't blame her for keeping quite and not talking things out with me. After all, I know what it feels like to not be able to talk about the difficult things.

I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into for the next six months while I hopefully get back to my old self. I hate everybody watching this terrible transformation I am going through.

Anybody know of a good hole?