Blessed

Ever since I have become active in the church, so maybe 3 months now, things keep getting better and better.

I feel so blessed in many aspects of my life, I have great kids who are responsible adults. I love my kids so much, I couldn't ask for better parents, and I have a great extended family. My health is not so great, but as always, I roll with the punches. Because of my job change in April of 2008, the insurance is much better now, so I can afford to take care of my health.

I am understanding many things of the gospel that I didn't before. Things make sense to me now, on a very deep level, which translates into a stronger testimony. I can't wait to be able to attend the temple again, whenever that is. To be able to do His work, and actually have a strong desire to do so. I want to do the things that I should be doing. I don't want to associate with people and places that may compromise my values. I don't take it for granted anymore.

I feel the most profoundly blessed by the friends that have found me, no doubt with my Heavenly Fathers help. I met Ann at my current job, we got along right away because we are so much alike, but with nice complimentary differences. We work in the same room, and have had many talks. We grew closer over the months and started to confide in each other. We both had experience and wisdom in areas that the other needed. How blessed I feel to have such a friend.

There was a day this last May, where I had no one to go with me to see a play I had free tickets for. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I was inactive and I had no close friends. Sure, I had my family... but that is not what I needed at this moment in time. I felt completely and utterly alone, I felt I had no one to turn to, no one to lift me up. I did not have the spirit with me, it was void in my life because of the choices I had been making. I did things based on gut instinct and experience. It was the very next day, Easter Day, that my dear friend Ann from work, invited me to dinner at her home with her and her roommates. What a turning point that invitation was, I just sobbed to know that I was accepted and loved. The one thing I had wanted for soooo long. I later found out that she was inspired to invite me and argued the point with the spirit by saying "maybe another time." All she got was a persistent "no, invite her to dinner today." She thankfully, complied. Then to later understand that my Saviour had the spirit removed from Him during the Atonement, so He would know how we felt at our very lowest, brought such comfort to me as I looked back at how dark and lonely it was during that day.

My friend, Meg, found me when I was on LDS Mingle, a LDS singles website. She talked to me when I ventured into a chat room, to show me the ropes, so to speak. The rest is history, we have so much in common. She lives in Missouri, but that doesn't seem to matter. We just clicked, and buoy each other up alot. Communicating via IM, text, phone calls, whatever works. We have experienced much of the same pain, struggle with the same feelings and share the same joys. She is such a nut, but so can I be. She just happens to bring out the nuttier side of me. She is exactly what I need, at this very moment in my life. Talking to her, she says the same thing about me. I pray that we always need each other and never lose touch. She is indeed a very dear friend to me, we feel we have known each other before. She calls it BFBF, best friends before and forever. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is right. Hear that Meg, you are right, again!

I absolutely LOVE MY FRIENDS! I am not just talking about Ann and Meg either, while they are my best friends, I love all of my friends. If I have ever hung out with you, shared stories with you, laughed with you. You are my friend. You all keep me grounded, connected and make me feel accepted.

Now if I could just find my other half... but in the meantime, working on being the right person, so I can find the right person.

Crash Course in Diabetes

I was diagnosed with Diabetes in February of 2006 after some minor heart problems were found in November of 2005. Those diagnoses' came after 2 1/2 years of being sick. It took nearly everything out of me to be able to hold down a full-time job, let alone managing the kids and home needs (which fell short).

I could barely lift my legs, most days I was using a cane or walker to get around. I was short of breath a lot of the time, so fatigued that just the thought of going to the grocery store made me sick. When my kids went with me to the store (I almost always had to have help), they could hear me coming from an aisle over as I shuffled my feet. I can't even tell you how many doctors appointments I had consisting of neurologists, cardiologists, pulmonologists, rheumatologists, ER visits, etc. or how many tests such as mri's, spinal tap, muscle, blood, etc., etc., etc. All netting nothing, so all me and my family could do was live day to day and wait it out.

I finally got a break when a local hospital was doing free screenings for PAD, peripheral arterial disease. The test consisted of taking my blood pressure in my arms and ankles. Well, my legs showed signs of mild to moderate blockage. This got me into a cardiologist that did a angiogram on my heart, lungs, neck and legs. There was no blockages, but the left side of my heart showed some weakness. My blood pressure was high on the diastolic reading getting as high as 150/110. My diagnoses was diastolic dysfunction. I had always had a little high readings on my blood glucose, but not so much so that yelled diabetes. So heart and diabetic medications were my fix.

My primary care doctor, worried that my blood glucose may get too low on the medication had me check my blood sugar on a daily basis and ran an A1C test. My first result from the A1C test was 7.0, and that was being on diabetic meds for 2 months. Any reading 7.0 and over puts you at risk for complications, like heart, eyes and circulation problems with limbs. A non-diabetic would have been closer to the 4 range.

Okay, so I have some pills now... all fixed, for a couple of years. I developed another heart problem starting in April of '07, but wasn't diagnosed until September of '08. I had these painful attacks that progressively got more intense and more frequent. I had pain in my chest, straight thru to my back and down my left arm. Towards the end of them, I also had pain in my jaw, neck and nearly passed out. They found I had PVC's, premature ventricular contractions or my heart was beating an extra beat. These can be harmless to a healthy individual, or deadly with someone that has a heart problem already or an unknown heart defect. Too many PVC's can trigger a cardiac arrest to a heart that has a defect like to an unsuspecting athlete. Good thing my problems are being treated and kept under control, so no worries there.

This diagnoses resulted in taking me off of one of my heart medications, and alas... no more attacks... I was so relieved, whew!!

Ever since my diabetes was diagnosed as the early stages, I thought all I had to do was take my meds and it seemed to keep everything under control. Hahaha... I even wasn't checking my blood sugar, my last A1C was 6.1 from a previously 5.5 result a few months prior to that. I just told people I wasn't a severe diabetic, thinking they caught it in time. Well... I got sick this past Monday, suddenly vomiting, I was shaky and overall felt really sick. My meter had stopped working (probably from lack of use, lol), so I had a co-worker take me to my mom's close by as she had a meter. My blood glucose was 76 after I had just eaten an hour previously, it should have been at least 30 points higher. So I had some fruit to bring it up and borrowed my mom's meter to keep track of it for the day.

I started doing some research on diabetes and found out it was a progressive disease O.o, what?! Something about the wacky blood glucose levels fatiguing the cells and even making the cells die off if the numbers stay up for too long. Which means the longer you are diabetic, the more progressive it becomes and less the cells handle the highs. Sounds like a vicious cycle to me.

I called my docs office, got my own meter and an updated RX for my glucose strips. Checking my blood glucose, especially when I felt sick. After my sugar dropping to 66 after eating again on Thursday, I called my doctor for an appointment. She cut my meds in half, because it was more critical that I didn't get low numbers than getting high ones. I will go back in 8 weeks instead of 5 more months to get my A1C checked again. She didn't want me to change how I eat, so the test reflects med change only and not confused by other factors.

I have been absorbing all the information I can on diabetes, trying to understand it the best I can. Understanding it is time to take this ugly beast seriously. I already have heart problems caused by the disease, so I cannot be so passive about it anymore. Gonna become an expert!

My attempt to socialize

I have mostly over the past 14 years raised my kids and have had a profile off and on with various singles websites, not really entering the dating world until late 2006. While the singles websites over the last couple of years have netted dates and friends, they have lost their luster for me. I just feel like that is not where it is at for me anymore.

I had been inactive in the LDS church for 6 years and recently becoming very active in it and working extremely hard to become the kind of person I need/desire to be. I decided that it was important for me to get out and socialize at church singles activities. These activities are announced on the web with many LDS singles websites such as ldssinglesfun or utahsingles31. The dances cost a little bit of money, anywhere from $4 to $9 and there is a dance almost every Friday and Saturday night. Obviously I could keep very busy every weekend, but plan on going to only 2-3 a month. I will go to a couple of firesides on Sunday evenings as I used to really enjoy going to those. There is one just down the street from me on the 3rd Sunday of the month with a potluck dinner earlier for the singles in that stake. But will go to some of the close ones in the valley.

While I can at times become petrified when I am in social situations with people I do not know and feel like I need to bolt, I manage to stay very calm and enjoy myself for awhile until that panic sets in.

So now that I have shared some history leading me to this blog, I can tell you about my experience at the dance I went to last night. The first one I have been to in about 15 years, wow... has it been that long?? Anyways, when I first walked in they were playing some swing music and I thought "oh, great... I can't dance to this stuff!" and there were alot of people that knew how to. But the next song was modern and more my speed... lol, so I stayed after paying my $4.

I danced with maybe 5 different guys (they asked me, I was too chicken to ask anybody). They were okay, ranging in age from 50's to 60's. I think I had more fun people watching though. There was the lady that was constantly on the dance floor (I think she did all the asking), she looked like she was a maid. Wearing a black and white dress, all black, white belt with a wide white strip down the front, black nylons and white sandals. Hey, but she was having fun. Then there was this older gentleman that danced nearly every dance shuffling his partners around the outer edge of the dance completely around the floor, over and over again. There were the garden variety "will be single forever types", while they were completely weird (visually), they didn't have any problem dancing most of the time (kudos to them!) I think the one that took the award for last night was the old gentleman that came in with a mask over his face (the kind that keeps germs from getting in or out), and to top it off he had a big bandage on his head, just above his eyebrows that was white and as big as the mask on his face. Maybe he didn't know he was scaring away the ladies...? But hey, he was moving to the beat, lol.

So what was my problem? It was because all I could do was accept any invites that came my way, I didn't stand on the sidelines, I sat, and I didn't ask anybody either... I am so lame... but I am determined to conquer my need to bolt after 90 mins into the dance and dance more and people watch less. But it will take practice and lots of guts.